still hurts

[you_know_it]

Dear Journal,
I miss Ross, still, which is weird I guess, because I was never that good of friends with him and everyone else seems to be over it. I keep thinking of how much he could have done here, and how unfair it is that the one truely nonjudgemental, kind person at this school had to die. I want in so many ways to stop time to keep me closer to him, because time is paradoxal and before death brings us back together life will pull us further apart. I haven't gone to the crash site in so long. I'm afraid to now, I've heard that they've taken down all of the letters flowers and candles. I just wish he could come back, even for a moment. I miss him so much sometimes, and I dont know why he matters so much all of a sudden. I don't wish James were dead instead of him, and I will still defend him whenever anyone says that, but I have to wonder how it worked out that someone as perfect as Ross had to be the one to go.
-Ariel

[you_know_it]

I dont know how it's been two months already. It seems like yesterday and at the same time years ago since I last saw you. I was going through my old french papers and I came across the drawing of the house you had made for me. I must have seemed like such a bitch last year, all I want is for you to know that I didnt mean any of it. I was just afraid, I didnt want to be used. I know you would never do that. I just wish I could have had more time or something. I still miss you.

[you_know_it]

I don't know what to think. I want to see you again, more than I want anything, but I dont know why. If you had moved or just gone away to college I probably wouldnt be thinking of you at all, but the way things ended, you're the only thing I can focus on. I want to cry and miss you, and make you come back. It's not fair, and everyone just sits back and watches it be unfair. It's not fair how your funeral was private, or how your posters and candles got thrown out, or how your family is suing Danny's. I can't fully comprehend that no matter how much I hate it, you're not going to be here again. I never really believed in Heaven, but I want there to be one. I want you to still exist in some way, just so I can hope to see you again. I love you, and I miss you.

[you_know_it]

I'm going crazy, I think. I don't want to talk to people, or go outside, or even watch tv; I have no energy for anything. I can't deal with listening to such trivial crap, I dont understand how that could matter when you're not here. It's the new year, and I can't believe that you're never going to see 2007 or anything past it. I want to stay where I am, and think about you, remember everything, and chisel it into my mind so I can never forget you. I miss you so much.

[you_know_it]

I'm glad you dont have to take finals, I know how much you hated them. I'll always remember the time that you and James took the chem final stoned last year. I wish I could be more like you. I miss you.

[you_know_it]

I love you and I miss you. It will have been nine months on wednesday. It feels like yesterday and years ago, all at the same time. I wish you were here.

[you_know_it]

Dear Ross,
I hope you are in heaven right now, laughing about how bad at counting I am, and enjoying whatever dead people do. Nine months today, not last month, sorry about that. You know Im retarded. I miss you. It's another Friday the 13th, the second since the pep rally. I'll be up late, listening to cars on their ways home. Im really not a religious person, but I'll pray for them to get home safely, just in case. Everyone here is still missing you like crazy. Out of all of the deaths this past year at our school, you're the one I always think of. Every day, I'm somehow reminded of you, it's insane and sad and weird. I don't know whether to smile or laugh or cry like a psychopath. I sometimes feel like a fraud or a walking cliche- I still miss you, I can't help it.
I wont forget, dont worry.
Ariel

[you_know_it]

Ross, I know I wrote already today. I know that you wont read this, cause A)youre dead B) you would have better things to do in heaven besides read forums and C) you dont know me that well, but I really really really just want you to know how sorry I am that I didnt make more of an effort to know you, and I would do anything to get to try again. I miss you so much. I missed the opportunity to know you, I'll never forget that.